The Compass. Global Destruction. Rogue Gnomes. Or, the consequences of my boss asking me what she could possibly use her Christmas Cracker compass for.
As you may have inferred from the title, I had an interesting time at my staff Christmas party. There were nine of us sitting around two long tables we'd pushed together. As we were eating, we started popping open our Christmas Crackers. Mine was a weird, plastic clip thing that broke seconds after it erupted from its tube. My boss, the actual title-holding "Librarian" at our library, got a small compass. She made a silly, passing comment about what she could possibly use the compass for. … She did it to herself, really.
The conversation was thus:
Me: “If you were lost in the woods, in the middle of nowhere, how else would you find your way out?”
Librarian: “Well, generally I would look at where the sun is in the sky.”
Me: “There is no sun, the sun is gone.”
Librarian: “Oh? Well, don’t you use moss then? It grows on the north side of the tree.”
Me: “All the moss has been burned away. There is no moss. The sun has exploded, the sky is all red, and the Earth is on fire. There’s no more moss.”
Librarian: “Well, if that was the case, I think I’d have more pressing matters than finding north on a compass.”
Me: “Ah, but there’s a special building that was built just for this purpose, and it’s 50 miles north of where you are in the forest. The few people who survived the Earth being destroyed are there, and you have to get to them.”
Co-Worker: “Well, but what if she gets there, and they don’t let her in?”
Me: “Ah, but she has something that they need! She has a key, the only key that will start the generator inside the building to make it work.”
Co-Worker: “What kind of key?”
Me: “A diamond key.”
Librarian: “So, if I have the key, then why was I in the forest in the first place?”
Me: “’Cause you had to go get something. The Gnome Princess! You have to get her and bring her back to the building, and she’s going to repopulate the Earth.”
Co-Worker: “Hang on, there’s gnomes? That isn’t Earth!”
Me: “There’s gnomes on Earth!”
Co-Worker: “Really? Where are they?”
Me: “My old neighbor has a bunch in her garden. They all came to life. It was rogue gnomes who destroyed the Sun and the Earth in the first place. The other gnomes are good. So, in one hand, she has the key, and in the other, she has the Gnome Princess - tucked right under her arm, ‘cause she’s tiny.”
Co-Worker # 2: “Gnomes? What are you talking about?”
Me: “The fantasy world in which she would need to use her compass.”
Co-Worker # 2: “And that led to … that’s quite the imagination you’ve got there, girl.”
Me: “You have no idea.”
Co-Worker: “Yeah, but I’m pretty sure that cheap, Dollar Store compass wouldn’t last her very long.”
Me: “Ahh, but they thought of that. They knew that she would need the compass, and that the Rogue Gnomes would destroy it if they found it, so they put it in with a bunch of cheap ones to disguise it.”
Co-Worker: “Oh, god.”
Me: (snicker).
Co-Worker: “You should totally write this down.”
