This is an old Smallville fic I wrote over two years ago ... definitely more than a little sappy/mushy, but most romance fics are. Enjoy! (hopefully).
...
It hurt her to say these words to him, she cared about him more than she thought she could after what happened with Clark, and even though there were things that she could never tell him - as much as I wish I could - he had to hear these words: "But I can't go back."
Lana waited for his reaction. She didn't know what she was expecting. Hurt, anger, maybe some yelling or some pleading ... or worse, disappointment. Whatever she thought he might say or do, what happened next didn't even make the list.
"Lana, I didn't come here to bring you back. I came here to be with you," he told her, his gaze soft and unwavering.
For a second her breath caught in her throat, sure that she must have misheard him. The next second, she couldn't believe that he had indeed said it. After a few more seconds, her heart lifted back up from her stomach. Her ears were singing, but it was deaf to her because all she could focus on was the way he was looking at her.
A smile graced her lips, and that was all the assurance that Jason needed. He leaned closer to her, closing the distance between them, and brushed his lips against hers.
Lana knew that they would have a lot to work out. What he would do, if he was staying in college, if she should move closer to his college, considering he had come halfway around the world for her. She was so caught up in her own joy that Clark's name never even crossed her mind. She knew that they should probably stop to discuss what all this meant, but right now, Lana didn't care about anything other than the fact that her heart was racing in her chest, and Jason was trailing his fingers along the small of her back.
Where her tattoo was.
She broke the kiss and pulled away hesitantly, looking down at her feet.
"What's wrong?" he asked her.
She forced herself to meet his eyes, and she saw only love looking down at her.
This isn't going to be like before. I won't do what Clark did; I won't keep secrets from Jason. If he cares for me as much as I do for him, then he won't freak out, or take off.She sighed deeply and turned, lifting up the back of her shirt slowly for him to see.
He tipped his head slightly, admiring the view for a second before he realized he was looking at a tattoo.
"Hey, how come I've never seen that?" he asked her, moving closer. "When did you get it?"
Lana kept her eyes closed. "Pretty recently."
He fingered the skin on her back lightly, tracing circles on the black mark. "Really? It doesn't look too fresh."
Lana muffled the hiss that came out of her mouth as best as she could, but she knew that Jason heard it, and she knew what it was from. All thoughts of the mystery surrounding her new marking left her mind as Jason stepped even closer to her, wrapping one hand around her middle to caress her firm stomach as he continued to brush his fingers almost lazily across her back, moving higher only to dip tantalizingly lower, causing her to shiver.
Alarm bells were going off in Lana's head, but she wasn't sure if it was because she wasn't ready for this, or if it was just because they were out in the open.
"Jason?" she whispered huskily.
He leaned his head forward, resting his chin on her shoulder as he wrapped his arms fully around her.
"Yeah?"
She smiled as his warm breath washed over her.
"I think I can save the rest of the box hurtling for later," she told him. "Will you take me upstairs?"
She could feel him tense at her words, and for a second she regretted them, thinking the worst, but then he was even closer to her, their bodies practically melted together as he whispered back, "Are you sure?"
She looked timid, but also strong in her words. "I think so. I'm willing to try, if you are."
Jason smiled, and in the next instant he had swooped her up into his arms. "Lana, you do not have to ask me twice."
She giggled as he carried her up the stairs and into the cluttered room.
It took him a few seconds to rid the bed of its obstacles, but then he was picking her up again only to lay her down onto the bed.
He moved towards her, and she could feel her temperature increasing, but then he stopped, and looked away from her.
"What is it?" she asked, sitting up.
He sighed. "Well, there's kinda something I want to tell you."
"Okay," she said slowly. "You know you can tell me anything." She hoped one day he could say the same about her, and that was when the true extent of her feelings for him hit her. The rest of her life seemed like a blur to her, because he hadn't been part of it. And for the life of her, Lana could not imagine a life where Jason wasn't in it.
She cupped a hand to his face and kissed him lightly, hoping to encourage him to say whatever was on his mind.
He looked up at her, and she saw fear in his eyes, and before she could speak, he said, "I love you."
Lana's hand was still on his cheek, but it froze. Her entire body stiffened. The world stopped moving.
They had talked about being 'in love' before, but they'd never actually said those words to each other.
Lana was still soaring high on cloud nine when Jason started to move away from her.
"Oh," she said suddenly, pulling him back to her. "I love you, too."
And then she was kissing him, and he was kissing her. And the entire night was filled with kisses and happiness, and laughter, and more pleasure than she had ever dreamed possible.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Who I Am: Can You Handle It?
I have never been a particularly shy person ... anyone who knew me as a child can attest to that. So, I'll do a little reflecting on what I was like as a child:
Loud, Aggressive, Violent, Extremely Excitable, Fierce, Trusting, Active, Impulsive, Defensive, Reactive, Uncoordinated, Curious, Giddy, Mad, Angry, and Sad. I was often called "Spaz, Brat, Trouble-Maker, Wild-Child, Psycho, Bitch", etc.
How has that changed since then? Well, I've found better methods of channeling my anger and aggression: writing. I am far less violent, unless it's in defense of someone I care deeply about. The only other difference is that I am now far less trusting - and quite honestly, certain family members are responsible for that, though several "friends" also carry some responsibility there.
So, now that I am still most of these things as an adult, people still seem to find labels for me. When I am outspoken about what bothers me, I am told that I take things too seriously. When I defend myself and others, I am called childish. A twenty-year old college student, who spends her days looking after and educating young children, who cares about others more than herself, is childish? Someone who advocates for equality; stands up against homophobia, animal cruelty, and sexism, is immature?
Well, if we're going to list my flaws, lets get them out of the way right here and now:
- Envy: Well, I guess if I were envious of anything, it would be the simplicity of living a dog's life. I truly wish I were an animal. I am quite honestly disgusted with the human race as a whole, and would much sooner be an animal than a member of the Homo sapiens.
- Gluttony: I definitely over-eat. I enjoy foods that I like, and I enjoy them often. Until this makes me morbidly obese, this probably won't change.
- Greed: Well, I guess this could relate to the one material item I hold most dearly: movies. If I had it my way, I would own every single movie ever made: with copies on both VHS and DVD.
- Lust: I guess this could relate to movies as well ... most of my fanfics are romance fics. But really, that's all the romance I need. I'm not a very lustful person, I don't need a sexual partner to make my life complete ...
- Pride: As the root of all sin, I suppose I definitely am a very proud person. I am proud of my accomplishments, I take pride in my work - mainly my written work.
- Sloth: I do love mess. Not sure what to do with my room now that it's clean.
- Wrath: Oh, yes ... this is by far my biggest sin/flaw. I am, and always have been, a very wrathful person. When something or someone stirs up my anger, I am very vocal about it. I am not afraid to show my anger, which society deems is unladylike, and thus I am seen as "Spaz, Brat, Trouble-Maker, Wild-Child, Psycho, and Bitch".
Now that we've gotten the seven deadly sins out of the way, let's take a look at some of my other "flaws", as other people see them:
- Loud: people do not like anyone - boy or girl - who is louder than they are. I have a loud voice, and I use it. People don't like this. I stopped caring a long time ago.
- Outspoken: people don't like it when I inform them of their prejudice. People don't like it when I use my loud voice - or rapid-fire typing - to tell them exactly why what they're saying is wrong.
- Obstinate: (stubborn, refusal to change, difficult to control). I am stubborn, I refuse to change who I am, and I will not be controlled. When I believe in something, I am deadly passionate about that belief. Nothing someone "says" will change that.
- Opinionated: people don't like it when someone disagrees with them. I have an opinion on just about everything, and I am not shy about putting my two cents in. As most people know, I don't just stop at two cents ...
- Perfectionist: my books and movies are alphabetized - many people give me the oddest look when they discover this. I am very "alphabetical", and this goes hand-in-hand with grammatical. I value proper spelling and grammar, whether I'm handing in a to-be-graded essay, or "chatting" on Facebook. I don't believe that online communication should differ in any way when it comes to spelling and grammar. People don't like when I correct their spelling - which I certainly don't do as often as I could. :)
- Impulsive: I have as many movies as I do, because pretty much any time I have money, a good portion of it gets spent on movies. This isn't a problem now, because I don't have to support myself. Certainly, when I move out on my own, this would pose a problem.
- Excitable: When I'm giddy, I'm like a speeding comet traveling across space - there's no stopping me. "Demure" people really don't like this. You can't even imagine how many times I've been told - not asked - to tone it down.
- ADHD: this goes along with many of my other "flaws", but this is a pretty big one, as I was medicated for it for eleven years of my life. Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder: I switch topics faster than you can spell "topic", and I am spontaneously hyper. People have difficulty following my "train of thought", and often assume that I don't really have one. Many people see this as a disorder, as something that should be cured at all costs ... I believe that they are wrong. Perhaps that's another one of my flaws.
- Other: feel free to add any more flaws that I have missed. I am more than willing to discuss them.
Now, since I'm all about balance as well, we might as well list some of my good qualities, as I view them:
- Loud: I have always been the loudest person in the room. I don't have to tax my voice to belt out a good scream, and it doesn't take much for me to gain people's attention. I use my loud voice to my advantage, and I would not "tone it down" for those who would call that a flaw.
- Outspoken: When I see an injustice, or a prejudice, I address it. "Word after word after word is power": a quote from Youthwrite that I will always treasure. We can't expect the world to change when we are silent. I don't, and I'm not. When others can't/don't/won't speak for themselves, I can/do/will.
- Obstinate: I will defend my beliefs and views until I am blue in the face. I do not falter when I declare my belief, and I do not back off just because I've been indelicate.
- Opinionated: Everyone has an opinion about everything, I am just vocal about my opinions. That does not mean that I demand compliance, that I expect everyone to agree with my opinion, and dismiss their own. I welcome debate, and I enjoy it.
- Perfectionist: I like things the way that I like them, and that is everyone's right. I alphabetize, I use proper spelling and grammar, I go back and fix my mistakes. If something is out of place, I correct the error. It's who I am, and it doesn't bother me. As this doesn't do damage to others, I do not see it as a flaw.
- Impulsive: I do not believe in living with regrets. If I want something, and I have the means to get it, then I get it. This is why I have 1137 movies, and 291 TV series. Can I take them with me when I die? No. But I can pass them on, which is what I intend to do.
- Excitable: When I'm happy, I am a blazing ball of sunshine. When something makes me happy, I'm not afraid to express it. Every emotion that I feel, I express without fear of what others might think.
- ADHD: It takes a lot to hold my attention. My longest stretch of consistent fanfics for one fandom was two months. I move on to a new subject very quickly. People have difficulty following my "train of thought", and often assume that I don't really have one - because they don't understand it. If I verbalized every single thought that entered my brain, as soon as I thought it, I would never stop talking. I have many internal conversations, because I know that people get annoyed with chatter. For those who would say I talk too much, I invite you to chance a look into my mind, and see if you come out sane. My ADHD is not a disorder, it is a tool that makes me a fun, lively, energetic person. Kids love playing games with me, because I don't need to fixate on one aspect: I can go from playing trucks, to launching into outer space, to making star shapes, to running around the room like a maniac ... and never tire.
- Strong: I have never been a weak person. Even when I was a tiny, little twig of a girl, I was a strong person. I was never bullied physically, because any time that someone tried, they dealt with my fists. People didn't like it when their intended victim stood up for themselves. Emotionally, though? Many of my supposed friends have emotionally bullied me. They have done their damndest to make me out to be inferior to them, they have gone behind my back and told stories about me, and they have lied to my face when actually confronted with their psychological warfare. It never broke me though, because I am a strong, resilient - which I will explain further - person, who doesn't let what other people think of me matter. Could you believe that I was often talked down to because I didn't know what it felt like to be a victim? I was treated with condescension and derision, because I was strong-willed and defiant enough to not submit to those who would try to bully me ... how much sense does that make?
- Resilient: I was once friends with a person who loved that I loved him, but wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me. Whenever I became interested in someone else, he would treat me like a leper - as though I had done some unspeakable thing to him. When he decided that he was better than me, he would push me away, and call me a stalker for taking an interest in him. When I ignored him, the entire school wondered if something was wrong with me, because we were so close: they accepted his mistreatment of me, but were shocked when I took a stand and separated myself from him. Nice double-standard, huh? So, how has this made me resilient? I no longer allow people in my life who would only use me. I have no interest in maintaining two-faced friendships. I simply have no desire to live a life of high school drama. Relating this to what others have said about me, how does this make me childish? Please, explain? Those who would claim that I am immature, step up and defend that claim, because I will defend my maturity, and my resiliency, and my strength of character until I am blue in the face. I will not bow down to those who would try to talk down to me.
- Passionate: A friend once confessed in a game of Truth or Dare - four or five years ago - that out of our friends, he would want to have a sexual relationship with me, because I was so passionate, so therefore I must be good in bed. ... I don't make a habit of sleeping with my friends. I don't sleep around, I don't go out partying or binge drinking, I don't drink at all, or take drugs stronger than Advil - were these positive choices ever acknowledged? No. Of course not. That doesn't change the fact that I choose not to do these things. I can and do have natural highs. Ringette, one of my greatest passions, made me happier than just about any kind of physical activity. I am a Child Care Provider, I spend my days looking after children, some of which are mentally handicapped in some way. I enjoy the work that I do, because I am passionate about it. I am passionate about writing, about movies, about books, and about bringing happiness and love to children. Explain, please, how I am childish?
I see myself as an intelligent individual. Not only because I know how to use proper spelling and grammar, not only because I have an amazing visual memory, but because I am constantly taking steps to further my education. This is not exclusive to college; I do so much research online and through books, either because it's something I need for a novel that I am writing, or because I am simply curious and want to know more. I am intelligent because I make myself informed. Does this mean I know everything? No. That is impossible - and from someone who immerses herself in a world of fantasy on a daily basis with her writings, impossible is not a word I often use. I don't know everything and I've never claimed to know everything, but I learn something new every single day, and I enjoy learning. I plan on being in school for many years, probably many decades.
Others see me as childish and immature, because I stand up for what I believe in, and demand respect, along with a modicum of respect for the English language.
See me as you will, my opinion of myself will never change based on outside criticism.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Female Bullying
This was an essay that I did for a school project. After I got my marks back, I decided to post it on my blog, because I feel it carries a very important message. The referencing used is the latest APA style, that RDC uses.
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls
Written by: Rachel Simmons
Summary:
Basically, this book states that because of the cultural norms, rules, and expectations of our society - as a whole - girls don’t express their aggression through physical acts. They are forced to put on a “nice girl” exterior to fit in with society as a group, and as such, they turn to more sneaky and diabolical means of dealing with their natural, biological aggression.
“Our culture has girls playing a perverse game of Twister, pushing and tangling themselves into increasingly strained, unnatural positions.” (Simmons, 2002). This book talks about the lasting effects and repercussions of the psychological warfare that happens in schools, where females are the perpetrators. It alludes that the psychological torture that happens there is much more lasting than any scars from a physical attack.
Whereas boys are more like to bully casual acquaintances or strangers, girls turn their aggressive behaviors on those closest to them, their own friends. The most common weapon in these girls’ arsenal is the threat of removing friendship. Most girls that were interviewed in this story, commented that the worst feeling was the complete and utter loneliness. They felt like they would die without some form of human contact/connection. It is for this reason why many girls stay in relationships/friendships with their abusers.
Many girls who were once bullied often become bullies themselves. In the section “the bully in the mirror”, the author herself admits that she once excluded a girl because another popular girl was doing so. Despite the fact that she was once a victim of the same kind of bullying, she found herself doing the same thing. In relation to this, girls who were bullied in high school push their daughters to show their own aggression physically, not wanting their own children to become victims of bullying. The section “when cultures collide” talks about African-American girls whose parents encourage them to beat up children who are hitting them. One parent told her child, “If you don’t hurt him, I’m gonna hit you.” (Simmons, 2002).
The cycle of bullying is repetitive, and seemingly never-ending. Though the author offers strategies to help parents, teachers, and victims cope with / prevent bullying, it is difficult to see an end in sight.
Five Main Points:
There are three different types of alternative aggressions, as described in this book. Relational, Indirect, and Social. Relational Aggression “includes acts that harm others through damage, or the threat of damage, to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group exclusion.” (Simmons, 2002). An example of this would be excluding someone from social situations to get revenge on them for some conceived “wrong-doing” that they have previously done. Indirect Aggression is “covert behavior in which the perpetrator makes it seem as though there has been no intent to hurt at all.” (Simmons, 2002). An example of this would be getting another person to spread rumors about someone else, and then claiming to have nothing to do with it. Social Aggression is “intended to damage self-esteem or social status within a group.” (Simmons, 2002). An example of this, like Relational Aggression, is social exclusion.
I have definitely seen these types of aggressions in schools that I’ve attended in the past. Girls are very sneaky and diabolical, and know just how to project that “nice girl” image, to make teachers and parents think that they couldn’t possibly be doing anything wrong. I was never bullied in school, but I watched other girls suffer through these abuses, and it is something that needs to be called upon and stopped.
Girls often hate in others what they feel they are lacking in themselves. In the section called “she’s all that”, the author talks about girls who see a girl who is confident in herself as a person, who dresses nice, is physically appealing, smart and funny - they take this girl, and decide that she doesn’t deserve to have this confidence. Most of these occurrences were when a new girl arrived at a school, and the girls there thought that she should act shy and demure, as opposed to confident and at-ease. When the author asked a group of young women if girls want other girls to be confident in general, they replied with a declarative “no”. When she asked why, one girl replied, “Girls don’t because they’re threatened by what they are.” (Simmons, 2002).
I found this to be incredibly unfair, but I also acknowledge that it does happen. I have no trouble believing that girls are like this, but it’s really just cruel to take a beautiful and confident young woman, and make her feel terrible because these girls don’t like some parts of themselves.
Girls thrive on power. The bullies that were interviewed in this book talked about the power that they held over the other girls; how easy it was to manipulate them, with only the simple threat of removing the friendship.
I completely agree with this point. If you look at popular cliques in high schools, there’s always the ringleader, who relishes in her ability to “lord over” the other girls, with a simple double-meaning smile, or a “come hither” crook of her finger. Girls desperately want to be accepted, and the ringleader uses this to her advantage, to increase her power. It’s something that needs to be addressed, and prevented.
Teachers often ignore the type of female aggression that happens in school, or worse, the see it as a natural stage of girl development. Most teachers ignore, or don’t analyze the nonverbal ways in which girls bully each other. If a boy hits another boy, it is stopped immediately, because it is seen as direct physical violence. Whereas, if a girl is throwing dirty looks at another girl, or passing notes with disparaging remarks on it about another girl, they simply see it as normal girl behavior, and since it’s not “hurting” anyone, they don’t press the issue. “If we don’t make alternative aggressions a clear responsibility of school officials, children will continue to be vulnerable to bullying and abuse.” (Simmons, 2002).
YES, they will! I completely agree with that statement, and I know from personal experience that teachers focus more on direct, physical violence, than they do on the female bullying that happens in high school. In a perfect world, teachers would be able to spot all the signs of bullying, put a stop to them immediately, and take time out of their day to talk to these girls about what’s going on, and why it’s wrong. Unfortunately, that world doesn’t exist.
Finally, the last main point that I will acknowledge is this: No one wants to admit that they’re a bully. When trying to get people to open up about their own experiences as bullies, no one wanted to come forward. One girl went so far as to block her from ever contacting her again. The author discovered that instead of getting them to directly talk about their experiences, she could get them to role-play similar situations. In her words, “As long as they didn’t have to personally identify as mean, they had plenty to say.”
I was not at all surprised by this. These girls know that what they are doing is wrong, they know that it is mean and cruel. But because they have to project that “nice girl” image that society cares so much about, they are virtually unwilling to admit that they could be so cruel and vicious. The world would be a much better place if these individuals would admit to what they’ve done, and make a real effort to change.
Quotable Quote:
One thing that I will remember from this book was the quote: “There is a hidden culture of girls’ aggression in which bullying is epidemic, distinctive, and destructive. It is not marked by the direct physical and verbal behavior that is primarily the province of boys. Our culture refuses girls access to open conflict, and it forced their aggression into nonphysical, indirect, and covert forms.” (Simmons, 2002). This pretty much sums up the entire book, and I agree with it completely. I think that if more people were aware of these kinds of behaviors, and what causes them, there would be a lot less bullying in schools.
I Agree:
Odd Girl Out refers to a study done, which confirmed that “the guilt girls experience during aggressive acts decreases significantly when responsibility can be shared with other people.” (Simmons, 2002).
I absolutely agree with this … if you think of it like people being executed by a firing squad: one or more of the guns is loaded with blanks, so that when the person being executed is dead, the shooters don’t have to deal with the absolute guilt that they killed someone. Maybe their gun was the one with blanks. In a social situation where group bullying is involved, it is easy for people to say and think, “I wasn’t the only one doing it. Perhaps someone else’s comment made them depressed.” If the person they are tormenting commits suicide, I have no doubt that this method is how bullies would convince themselves that they were not to blame.
Going Deeper:
One thing that I would like to explore further is looking at girls who are able to withstand bullying. One girl in the books tells her story, where she was ridiculed for her clothing and jewelry and hair, basically her general appearance, but she refused to let it bother her. She dressed how she wanted to, and didn’t let people’s negative comments change her view of herself, or bring her down to “their level”. She befriended a girl who others saw as an outcast, and is still friends with her today. “For some girls, being an cast out is a blessing in disguise, as many are guided into a more centered, authentic self-awareness.” ( Simmons, 2002). I vehemently agree with this statement. Because I was never bullied, I can’t understand how a victim truly feels in that circumstance. All I can do is say that I wish more girls could have the strength that this particular girl did, to stop caring about what people think of them, and just be the person that they are.
Meaningful Information:
I found this book to be thought provoking, meaningful and useful. Thought provoking, because most people don’t really see the kind of psychological warfare that happens in high school. A glare might simply be a glare of annoyance, or it could be a “I’m gonna get you after school” glare, or a “if you tell anyone, I’ll destroy you” kind of glare. It is interesting to me to delve into this from a psychological aspect. I found this book to be meaningful, because the information was sound, and gave a lot of personal experiences, from both the victims, as well as the bullies. It wasn’t just one person making assumptions about something, or inferring a bunch of theories behind what could have caused it - it was a realistic approach to the subject, with real, tangible evidence. I found this book to be useful, because I believe that if more people were aware of this book, they would see bullying in a whole new light. Some people think that victims of bullying are weak, that they just need to stand up for themselves more. The reality is that, in most cases, when a girl stands up for herself, the abuse only gets worse. This information was useful, because it offers strategies - not solutions - to helping people deal with bullying.
I would definitely recommend that this book be placed on a high school reading list, to help enlighten young people about the realities of female aggression.
References:
Simmons, R. (2002). Odd girl out: the hidden culture of aggression in girls. Orlando, FL: Harcourt Trade Publishing.
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls
Written by: Rachel Simmons
Summary:
Basically, this book states that because of the cultural norms, rules, and expectations of our society - as a whole - girls don’t express their aggression through physical acts. They are forced to put on a “nice girl” exterior to fit in with society as a group, and as such, they turn to more sneaky and diabolical means of dealing with their natural, biological aggression.
“Our culture has girls playing a perverse game of Twister, pushing and tangling themselves into increasingly strained, unnatural positions.” (Simmons, 2002). This book talks about the lasting effects and repercussions of the psychological warfare that happens in schools, where females are the perpetrators. It alludes that the psychological torture that happens there is much more lasting than any scars from a physical attack.
Whereas boys are more like to bully casual acquaintances or strangers, girls turn their aggressive behaviors on those closest to them, their own friends. The most common weapon in these girls’ arsenal is the threat of removing friendship. Most girls that were interviewed in this story, commented that the worst feeling was the complete and utter loneliness. They felt like they would die without some form of human contact/connection. It is for this reason why many girls stay in relationships/friendships with their abusers.
Many girls who were once bullied often become bullies themselves. In the section “the bully in the mirror”, the author herself admits that she once excluded a girl because another popular girl was doing so. Despite the fact that she was once a victim of the same kind of bullying, she found herself doing the same thing. In relation to this, girls who were bullied in high school push their daughters to show their own aggression physically, not wanting their own children to become victims of bullying. The section “when cultures collide” talks about African-American girls whose parents encourage them to beat up children who are hitting them. One parent told her child, “If you don’t hurt him, I’m gonna hit you.” (Simmons, 2002).
The cycle of bullying is repetitive, and seemingly never-ending. Though the author offers strategies to help parents, teachers, and victims cope with / prevent bullying, it is difficult to see an end in sight.
Five Main Points:
There are three different types of alternative aggressions, as described in this book. Relational, Indirect, and Social. Relational Aggression “includes acts that harm others through damage, or the threat of damage, to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group exclusion.” (Simmons, 2002). An example of this would be excluding someone from social situations to get revenge on them for some conceived “wrong-doing” that they have previously done. Indirect Aggression is “covert behavior in which the perpetrator makes it seem as though there has been no intent to hurt at all.” (Simmons, 2002). An example of this would be getting another person to spread rumors about someone else, and then claiming to have nothing to do with it. Social Aggression is “intended to damage self-esteem or social status within a group.” (Simmons, 2002). An example of this, like Relational Aggression, is social exclusion.
I have definitely seen these types of aggressions in schools that I’ve attended in the past. Girls are very sneaky and diabolical, and know just how to project that “nice girl” image, to make teachers and parents think that they couldn’t possibly be doing anything wrong. I was never bullied in school, but I watched other girls suffer through these abuses, and it is something that needs to be called upon and stopped.
Girls often hate in others what they feel they are lacking in themselves. In the section called “she’s all that”, the author talks about girls who see a girl who is confident in herself as a person, who dresses nice, is physically appealing, smart and funny - they take this girl, and decide that she doesn’t deserve to have this confidence. Most of these occurrences were when a new girl arrived at a school, and the girls there thought that she should act shy and demure, as opposed to confident and at-ease. When the author asked a group of young women if girls want other girls to be confident in general, they replied with a declarative “no”. When she asked why, one girl replied, “Girls don’t because they’re threatened by what they are.” (Simmons, 2002).
I found this to be incredibly unfair, but I also acknowledge that it does happen. I have no trouble believing that girls are like this, but it’s really just cruel to take a beautiful and confident young woman, and make her feel terrible because these girls don’t like some parts of themselves.
Girls thrive on power. The bullies that were interviewed in this book talked about the power that they held over the other girls; how easy it was to manipulate them, with only the simple threat of removing the friendship.
I completely agree with this point. If you look at popular cliques in high schools, there’s always the ringleader, who relishes in her ability to “lord over” the other girls, with a simple double-meaning smile, or a “come hither” crook of her finger. Girls desperately want to be accepted, and the ringleader uses this to her advantage, to increase her power. It’s something that needs to be addressed, and prevented.
Teachers often ignore the type of female aggression that happens in school, or worse, the see it as a natural stage of girl development. Most teachers ignore, or don’t analyze the nonverbal ways in which girls bully each other. If a boy hits another boy, it is stopped immediately, because it is seen as direct physical violence. Whereas, if a girl is throwing dirty looks at another girl, or passing notes with disparaging remarks on it about another girl, they simply see it as normal girl behavior, and since it’s not “hurting” anyone, they don’t press the issue. “If we don’t make alternative aggressions a clear responsibility of school officials, children will continue to be vulnerable to bullying and abuse.” (Simmons, 2002).
YES, they will! I completely agree with that statement, and I know from personal experience that teachers focus more on direct, physical violence, than they do on the female bullying that happens in high school. In a perfect world, teachers would be able to spot all the signs of bullying, put a stop to them immediately, and take time out of their day to talk to these girls about what’s going on, and why it’s wrong. Unfortunately, that world doesn’t exist.
Finally, the last main point that I will acknowledge is this: No one wants to admit that they’re a bully. When trying to get people to open up about their own experiences as bullies, no one wanted to come forward. One girl went so far as to block her from ever contacting her again. The author discovered that instead of getting them to directly talk about their experiences, she could get them to role-play similar situations. In her words, “As long as they didn’t have to personally identify as mean, they had plenty to say.”
I was not at all surprised by this. These girls know that what they are doing is wrong, they know that it is mean and cruel. But because they have to project that “nice girl” image that society cares so much about, they are virtually unwilling to admit that they could be so cruel and vicious. The world would be a much better place if these individuals would admit to what they’ve done, and make a real effort to change.
Quotable Quote:
One thing that I will remember from this book was the quote: “There is a hidden culture of girls’ aggression in which bullying is epidemic, distinctive, and destructive. It is not marked by the direct physical and verbal behavior that is primarily the province of boys. Our culture refuses girls access to open conflict, and it forced their aggression into nonphysical, indirect, and covert forms.” (Simmons, 2002). This pretty much sums up the entire book, and I agree with it completely. I think that if more people were aware of these kinds of behaviors, and what causes them, there would be a lot less bullying in schools.
I Agree:
Odd Girl Out refers to a study done, which confirmed that “the guilt girls experience during aggressive acts decreases significantly when responsibility can be shared with other people.” (Simmons, 2002).
I absolutely agree with this … if you think of it like people being executed by a firing squad: one or more of the guns is loaded with blanks, so that when the person being executed is dead, the shooters don’t have to deal with the absolute guilt that they killed someone. Maybe their gun was the one with blanks. In a social situation where group bullying is involved, it is easy for people to say and think, “I wasn’t the only one doing it. Perhaps someone else’s comment made them depressed.” If the person they are tormenting commits suicide, I have no doubt that this method is how bullies would convince themselves that they were not to blame.
Going Deeper:
One thing that I would like to explore further is looking at girls who are able to withstand bullying. One girl in the books tells her story, where she was ridiculed for her clothing and jewelry and hair, basically her general appearance, but she refused to let it bother her. She dressed how she wanted to, and didn’t let people’s negative comments change her view of herself, or bring her down to “their level”. She befriended a girl who others saw as an outcast, and is still friends with her today. “For some girls, being an cast out is a blessing in disguise, as many are guided into a more centered, authentic self-awareness.” ( Simmons, 2002). I vehemently agree with this statement. Because I was never bullied, I can’t understand how a victim truly feels in that circumstance. All I can do is say that I wish more girls could have the strength that this particular girl did, to stop caring about what people think of them, and just be the person that they are.
Meaningful Information:
I found this book to be thought provoking, meaningful and useful. Thought provoking, because most people don’t really see the kind of psychological warfare that happens in high school. A glare might simply be a glare of annoyance, or it could be a “I’m gonna get you after school” glare, or a “if you tell anyone, I’ll destroy you” kind of glare. It is interesting to me to delve into this from a psychological aspect. I found this book to be meaningful, because the information was sound, and gave a lot of personal experiences, from both the victims, as well as the bullies. It wasn’t just one person making assumptions about something, or inferring a bunch of theories behind what could have caused it - it was a realistic approach to the subject, with real, tangible evidence. I found this book to be useful, because I believe that if more people were aware of this book, they would see bullying in a whole new light. Some people think that victims of bullying are weak, that they just need to stand up for themselves more. The reality is that, in most cases, when a girl stands up for herself, the abuse only gets worse. This information was useful, because it offers strategies - not solutions - to helping people deal with bullying.
I would definitely recommend that this book be placed on a high school reading list, to help enlighten young people about the realities of female aggression.
References:
Simmons, R. (2002). Odd girl out: the hidden culture of aggression in girls. Orlando, FL: Harcourt Trade Publishing.
Sexy vs. Slutty: A Woman's World
I was having this debate with a couple of friends of mine, but I think there was starting to be some confusion over what exactly was being debated, so I thought I’d make a separate rant here.
It all started with a casual discussion about the Spice Girls, which moved onto fashion, which then delved into how girls are treated like sluts because of what they wear.
Without going into the particulars of the conversation, I’ll just go into how I view this subject.
When we were young girls, our moms would dress us up in pretty dresses, take us to tea parties with our other girl friends, tie pretty ribbons in our hair, give us shiny black dress shoes, and teach us how to polish our pretty black dress shoes, so that they wouldn’t lose their shine. We were given Barbie dolls and make-up stands, pink outfits and pink walls and pink toys … It was very clear when we were young, what girls were expected to be.
We grew up watching singers like Shania Twain, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera strut their stuff on stage, wearing gradually less and less clothing. They would gyrate their hips and dance dirty with boys, and people seemed to love them for it. Shania Twain made guy shirts sexy, only to strip down into more revealing attire in her video, “Man, I Feel Like a Woman”. Britney Spears gave pedophiles something to grin about when she donned pigtails and “sports” bras for her video “Baby One More Time”. Christina Aguilera gave ass-less chaps - oops, “riding pants” - a whole new light in her video “Dirty”, never mind the degrading meaning behind the lyrics. The list goes on. And these were the idols that we grew up watching on TV, idolizing and imitating. These artists whose voices carried such powerful meanings for us, and who we viewed as “sexy”. Every young woman, no matter who she is or where she comes from, wants to feel sexy. How do most people do this? They dress how they feel “sexy” is. Maybe that’s a tight dress, maybe that’s a t-shirt and jeans, maybe that’s a short skirt and tube-top … sexy is such a versatile description now.
“Slutty”, however, is not. How many girls and women have been called sluts, by males or females, friends or foes, or even just some stranger on the street? For what? For dressing sexy? We are being punished for mimicking the idols that the world told us were sexy …they were popular, and loved, and respected … why should we not want to be like them?
There are women out there who must button their shirts up to the highest button, must cover up their bodies, for fear that their husbands or fathers will view their attire as “promiscuous”, and punish them with a beating. There are women in the world who must hide their very faces from the world, because their culture and society says that’s the way it must be. Now we come over to North America, a world that seems separate from the rest of the world. Girls can walk around in short-shorts and halter tops, and do it proudly. Women are getting breast implants and liposuction, dieting until they are blue in the face. Society puts so much pressure on women to look a certain way, and these women do their damndest to try and conform to that pressure. But what happens when they do? What happens when a girl walks around in a shirt that reveals her cleavage and midriff? What happens when a girl wears a short skirt, and absentmindedly bends over to pick something up? They are hooted at, sneered at, suffered with catcalls and derogatory names. Sure, there are a number of girls who enjoy this treatment, who dress this way because they want people to notice their bodies in such a way … but so what if they do? It’s their body, and therefore their choice. Sadly, the girls who dress how they want because THEY want to feel sexy, THEY want to feel empowered, are treated with the same reactions. And what’s worse? You then have other girls going behind their backs and calling them sluts to their friends. Some have the “steel ovaries” to actually go up to someone and say it to their face - and what happens then? The girl defends her body, her choices, and she’s the one who is punished.
You don’t need to dress in sexy outfits and wear revealing clothing to be a slut … clothing does not make a person a whore. But because society has identified “whores” in a certain way, anyone who dares to accentuate their body with “promiscuous” attire is seen as a whore. Skanks, sluts, whores, etc … a whole new vocabulary exists inside the walls of a high school.
But let’s go beyond high school. Another comment that I read recently, was a man stating that if women want men to look at their faces and not their chest, they shouldn’t wear low-cut blouses and “shiny” necklaces. Sexist? Oh, yes. A grown woman, who has survived the traumas of high school, and has risen through the ranks of the corporate world, is then degraded and insulted by her peers when they would rather stare at her chest, than listen to what she has to say. This is despicable. Why should a woman have to don masculine attire just to be granted a modicum of respect? Why should a woman have to hide away her breasts, just to save men from their inability to keep their wandering eyes on topic? What’s next? Shall we wrap our breasts with tensor bandages, plaster them against our chest, and slide on a man’s dress shirt and tie?
We are supposed to be living in a world of equality - emphasis on “supposed”. Women are supposed to be equal members of society … but then we hear them referred to as sluts because their skirts are “too short” by someone else’s standards. Clearly, we are not as evolved as some people seem to think that we are.
A woman’s body is her body, no one else’s. No one else should be able to dictate the clothes that she wears, or how she wears them …
It all started with a casual discussion about the Spice Girls, which moved onto fashion, which then delved into how girls are treated like sluts because of what they wear.
Without going into the particulars of the conversation, I’ll just go into how I view this subject.
When we were young girls, our moms would dress us up in pretty dresses, take us to tea parties with our other girl friends, tie pretty ribbons in our hair, give us shiny black dress shoes, and teach us how to polish our pretty black dress shoes, so that they wouldn’t lose their shine. We were given Barbie dolls and make-up stands, pink outfits and pink walls and pink toys … It was very clear when we were young, what girls were expected to be.
We grew up watching singers like Shania Twain, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera strut their stuff on stage, wearing gradually less and less clothing. They would gyrate their hips and dance dirty with boys, and people seemed to love them for it. Shania Twain made guy shirts sexy, only to strip down into more revealing attire in her video, “Man, I Feel Like a Woman”. Britney Spears gave pedophiles something to grin about when she donned pigtails and “sports” bras for her video “Baby One More Time”. Christina Aguilera gave ass-less chaps - oops, “riding pants” - a whole new light in her video “Dirty”, never mind the degrading meaning behind the lyrics. The list goes on. And these were the idols that we grew up watching on TV, idolizing and imitating. These artists whose voices carried such powerful meanings for us, and who we viewed as “sexy”. Every young woman, no matter who she is or where she comes from, wants to feel sexy. How do most people do this? They dress how they feel “sexy” is. Maybe that’s a tight dress, maybe that’s a t-shirt and jeans, maybe that’s a short skirt and tube-top … sexy is such a versatile description now.
“Slutty”, however, is not. How many girls and women have been called sluts, by males or females, friends or foes, or even just some stranger on the street? For what? For dressing sexy? We are being punished for mimicking the idols that the world told us were sexy …they were popular, and loved, and respected … why should we not want to be like them?
There are women out there who must button their shirts up to the highest button, must cover up their bodies, for fear that their husbands or fathers will view their attire as “promiscuous”, and punish them with a beating. There are women in the world who must hide their very faces from the world, because their culture and society says that’s the way it must be. Now we come over to North America, a world that seems separate from the rest of the world. Girls can walk around in short-shorts and halter tops, and do it proudly. Women are getting breast implants and liposuction, dieting until they are blue in the face. Society puts so much pressure on women to look a certain way, and these women do their damndest to try and conform to that pressure. But what happens when they do? What happens when a girl walks around in a shirt that reveals her cleavage and midriff? What happens when a girl wears a short skirt, and absentmindedly bends over to pick something up? They are hooted at, sneered at, suffered with catcalls and derogatory names. Sure, there are a number of girls who enjoy this treatment, who dress this way because they want people to notice their bodies in such a way … but so what if they do? It’s their body, and therefore their choice. Sadly, the girls who dress how they want because THEY want to feel sexy, THEY want to feel empowered, are treated with the same reactions. And what’s worse? You then have other girls going behind their backs and calling them sluts to their friends. Some have the “steel ovaries” to actually go up to someone and say it to their face - and what happens then? The girl defends her body, her choices, and she’s the one who is punished.
You don’t need to dress in sexy outfits and wear revealing clothing to be a slut … clothing does not make a person a whore. But because society has identified “whores” in a certain way, anyone who dares to accentuate their body with “promiscuous” attire is seen as a whore. Skanks, sluts, whores, etc … a whole new vocabulary exists inside the walls of a high school.
But let’s go beyond high school. Another comment that I read recently, was a man stating that if women want men to look at their faces and not their chest, they shouldn’t wear low-cut blouses and “shiny” necklaces. Sexist? Oh, yes. A grown woman, who has survived the traumas of high school, and has risen through the ranks of the corporate world, is then degraded and insulted by her peers when they would rather stare at her chest, than listen to what she has to say. This is despicable. Why should a woman have to don masculine attire just to be granted a modicum of respect? Why should a woman have to hide away her breasts, just to save men from their inability to keep their wandering eyes on topic? What’s next? Shall we wrap our breasts with tensor bandages, plaster them against our chest, and slide on a man’s dress shirt and tie?
We are supposed to be living in a world of equality - emphasis on “supposed”. Women are supposed to be equal members of society … but then we hear them referred to as sluts because their skirts are “too short” by someone else’s standards. Clearly, we are not as evolved as some people seem to think that we are.
A woman’s body is her body, no one else’s. No one else should be able to dictate the clothes that she wears, or how she wears them …
Friday, November 12, 2010
Abortion Is Murder
Let me make this very clear at the beginning of this rant: I am AGAINST abortion. It is murder, plain and simple. It is disgusting that it is a legal “process”.
Beyond that, what disgusts me is how the abortion “process” is worded. This is a living human being that is being murdered, but if people actually worded it like that, they would have to account for their actions. Instead of saying the unborn child is killed, they say “the pregnancy is removed”. Then, the dead child being forced out of the uterus by it’s killer is referred to “expelling the tissue”.
If you decide within the first trimester that your child doesn‘t deserve to live, the child is SUCTIONED out of the uterus. If you decide in the second trimester that your child should die, the uterus is dilated and expanded - ‘cause the unborn child has grown a little bit in the last 26 weeks or so - and then once again SUCTIONED out. Do you think it’s pleasant for, say, a spider to get sucked up into a vacuum machine? I don’t.
I am aware that there are instances where a woman’s health is at risk if she continues with a pregnancy, and in that instance, if you believe that your life is more important than your child’s? Then fine … abort away.
There are also instances where the child has a terrible disease, which would cause their life to be unbearably pain-ridden … that’s a mercy killing. Mercy … but still killing.
The majority of abortions are not done for these reasons, however. Young girls who couldn’t be bothered to ensure that their boyfriends use a condom; or the geniuses who think that because they’re on the pill, that they couldn’t possibly become pregnant. The term “unplanned pregnancy” makes no sense to me. Every time that you have sex, there is a chance that you will get pregnant. Ergo, if you don’t WANT to get pregnant, the solution is pretty obvious: don’t have sex. Your desire to not be a mother should overpower your desire to copulate. That’s what masturbation is for …
Rape victims: … Yes, these women have gone through a traumatic experience, and then to have a pregnancy result from that experience is like salt in a wound. But - and this is a very big but - that child did not rape them. That child did not take away their dignity. That child does not deserve to be murdered because its life was forced upon them. Adoption exists for a reason. Yes, having to carry that child for 8-10 months can be an emotional train wreck, and a massive upheaval on their lives, but in the end, something beautiful will come out of that catastrophe. A living, breathing human who only wants someone to love them. To shelter them and take care of them. For the months of that pregnancy, that is your only job. After that, after the child is born, there are plenty of families out there who would be more than willing to take the baby into their homes, and love he or she like they deserve to be loved. Abortion is murder, adoption is hope.
I do not see a child as being alive at the “moment of conception”, which from my research indicates is ten days later. The second that you have sex - the moment that a man deposits his sperm into your body, that child is the potential for life. And potential is not un-living. It is not a dead thing that just doesn’t exist. Taking a “morning after” pill because YOU have made a mistake, is murder. Booking an appointment for abortion and then following through is premeditated murder. A girl who gets a friend to pulverize her stomach with a baseball bat - because she can’t bring herself to confess to her parents that she was idiotic enough to have sex before she was ready to be a parent - is a homicidal psychopath.
The idea that it’s a “woman’s body”, and therefore her choice, has one major flaw in it. When a woman becomes pregnant, it is not just her body anymore. That body is carrying a living being that was created through the act of intercourse. The woman’s body is now only half hers. With the exception of rape, this woman/girl willingly allowed even the smallest traces of ejaculate - or pre-ejaculate - to come into contact with her vagina. Therefore, she willingly accepted that there was a chance that her actions would bring about the arrival of a pregnancy. By making the choice to continue having sex, she made a commitment to her unborn child. To renege on that commitment is abhorring.
I am Pro-Life. Children are precious, innocent creatures, and their life does not begin when they are born. It begins the moment that two people come together and create life.
Beyond that, what disgusts me is how the abortion “process” is worded. This is a living human being that is being murdered, but if people actually worded it like that, they would have to account for their actions. Instead of saying the unborn child is killed, they say “the pregnancy is removed”. Then, the dead child being forced out of the uterus by it’s killer is referred to “expelling the tissue”.
If you decide within the first trimester that your child doesn‘t deserve to live, the child is SUCTIONED out of the uterus. If you decide in the second trimester that your child should die, the uterus is dilated and expanded - ‘cause the unborn child has grown a little bit in the last 26 weeks or so - and then once again SUCTIONED out. Do you think it’s pleasant for, say, a spider to get sucked up into a vacuum machine? I don’t.
I am aware that there are instances where a woman’s health is at risk if she continues with a pregnancy, and in that instance, if you believe that your life is more important than your child’s? Then fine … abort away.
There are also instances where the child has a terrible disease, which would cause their life to be unbearably pain-ridden … that’s a mercy killing. Mercy … but still killing.
The majority of abortions are not done for these reasons, however. Young girls who couldn’t be bothered to ensure that their boyfriends use a condom; or the geniuses who think that because they’re on the pill, that they couldn’t possibly become pregnant. The term “unplanned pregnancy” makes no sense to me. Every time that you have sex, there is a chance that you will get pregnant. Ergo, if you don’t WANT to get pregnant, the solution is pretty obvious: don’t have sex. Your desire to not be a mother should overpower your desire to copulate. That’s what masturbation is for …
Rape victims: … Yes, these women have gone through a traumatic experience, and then to have a pregnancy result from that experience is like salt in a wound. But - and this is a very big but - that child did not rape them. That child did not take away their dignity. That child does not deserve to be murdered because its life was forced upon them. Adoption exists for a reason. Yes, having to carry that child for 8-10 months can be an emotional train wreck, and a massive upheaval on their lives, but in the end, something beautiful will come out of that catastrophe. A living, breathing human who only wants someone to love them. To shelter them and take care of them. For the months of that pregnancy, that is your only job. After that, after the child is born, there are plenty of families out there who would be more than willing to take the baby into their homes, and love he or she like they deserve to be loved. Abortion is murder, adoption is hope.
I do not see a child as being alive at the “moment of conception”, which from my research indicates is ten days later. The second that you have sex - the moment that a man deposits his sperm into your body, that child is the potential for life. And potential is not un-living. It is not a dead thing that just doesn’t exist. Taking a “morning after” pill because YOU have made a mistake, is murder. Booking an appointment for abortion and then following through is premeditated murder. A girl who gets a friend to pulverize her stomach with a baseball bat - because she can’t bring herself to confess to her parents that she was idiotic enough to have sex before she was ready to be a parent - is a homicidal psychopath.
The idea that it’s a “woman’s body”, and therefore her choice, has one major flaw in it. When a woman becomes pregnant, it is not just her body anymore. That body is carrying a living being that was created through the act of intercourse. The woman’s body is now only half hers. With the exception of rape, this woman/girl willingly allowed even the smallest traces of ejaculate - or pre-ejaculate - to come into contact with her vagina. Therefore, she willingly accepted that there was a chance that her actions would bring about the arrival of a pregnancy. By making the choice to continue having sex, she made a commitment to her unborn child. To renege on that commitment is abhorring.
I am Pro-Life. Children are precious, innocent creatures, and their life does not begin when they are born. It begins the moment that two people come together and create life.
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