I have never been a particularly shy person ... anyone who knew me as a child can attest to that. So, I'll do a little reflecting on what I was like as a child:
Loud, Aggressive, Violent, Extremely Excitable, Fierce, Trusting, Active, Impulsive, Defensive, Reactive, Uncoordinated, Curious, Giddy, Mad, Angry, and Sad. I was often called "Spaz, Brat, Trouble-Maker, Wild-Child, Psycho, Bitch", etc.
How has that changed since then? Well, I've found better methods of channeling my anger and aggression: writing. I am far less violent, unless it's in defense of someone I care deeply about. The only other difference is that I am now far less trusting - and quite honestly, certain family members are responsible for that, though several "friends" also carry some responsibility there.
So, now that I am still most of these things as an adult, people still seem to find labels for me. When I am outspoken about what bothers me, I am told that I take things too seriously. When I defend myself and others, I am called childish. A twenty-year old college student, who spends her days looking after and educating young children, who cares about others more than herself, is childish? Someone who advocates for equality; stands up against homophobia, animal cruelty, and sexism, is immature?
Well, if we're going to list my flaws, lets get them out of the way right here and now:
- Envy: Well, I guess if I were envious of anything, it would be the simplicity of living a dog's life. I truly wish I were an animal. I am quite honestly disgusted with the human race as a whole, and would much sooner be an animal than a member of the Homo sapiens.
- Gluttony: I definitely over-eat. I enjoy foods that I like, and I enjoy them often. Until this makes me morbidly obese, this probably won't change.
- Greed: Well, I guess this could relate to the one material item I hold most dearly: movies. If I had it my way, I would own every single movie ever made: with copies on both VHS and DVD.
- Lust: I guess this could relate to movies as well ... most of my fanfics are romance fics. But really, that's all the romance I need. I'm not a very lustful person, I don't need a sexual partner to make my life complete ...
- Pride: As the root of all sin, I suppose I definitely am a very proud person. I am proud of my accomplishments, I take pride in my work - mainly my written work.
- Sloth: I do love mess. Not sure what to do with my room now that it's clean.
- Wrath: Oh, yes ... this is by far my biggest sin/flaw. I am, and always have been, a very wrathful person. When something or someone stirs up my anger, I am very vocal about it. I am not afraid to show my anger, which society deems is unladylike, and thus I am seen as "Spaz, Brat, Trouble-Maker, Wild-Child, Psycho, and Bitch".
Now that we've gotten the seven deadly sins out of the way, let's take a look at some of my other "flaws", as other people see them:
- Loud: people do not like anyone - boy or girl - who is louder than they are. I have a loud voice, and I use it. People don't like this. I stopped caring a long time ago.
- Outspoken: people don't like it when I inform them of their prejudice. People don't like it when I use my loud voice - or rapid-fire typing - to tell them exactly why what they're saying is wrong.
- Obstinate: (stubborn, refusal to change, difficult to control). I am stubborn, I refuse to change who I am, and I will not be controlled. When I believe in something, I am deadly passionate about that belief. Nothing someone "says" will change that.
- Opinionated: people don't like it when someone disagrees with them. I have an opinion on just about everything, and I am not shy about putting my two cents in. As most people know, I don't just stop at two cents ...
- Perfectionist: my books and movies are alphabetized - many people give me the oddest look when they discover this. I am very "alphabetical", and this goes hand-in-hand with grammatical. I value proper spelling and grammar, whether I'm handing in a to-be-graded essay, or "chatting" on Facebook. I don't believe that online communication should differ in any way when it comes to spelling and grammar. People don't like when I correct their spelling - which I certainly don't do as often as I could. :)
- Impulsive: I have as many movies as I do, because pretty much any time I have money, a good portion of it gets spent on movies. This isn't a problem now, because I don't have to support myself. Certainly, when I move out on my own, this would pose a problem.
- Excitable: When I'm giddy, I'm like a speeding comet traveling across space - there's no stopping me. "Demure" people really don't like this. You can't even imagine how many times I've been told - not asked - to tone it down.
- ADHD: this goes along with many of my other "flaws", but this is a pretty big one, as I was medicated for it for eleven years of my life. Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder: I switch topics faster than you can spell "topic", and I am spontaneously hyper. People have difficulty following my "train of thought", and often assume that I don't really have one. Many people see this as a disorder, as something that should be cured at all costs ... I believe that they are wrong. Perhaps that's another one of my flaws.
- Other: feel free to add any more flaws that I have missed. I am more than willing to discuss them.
Now, since I'm all about balance as well, we might as well list some of my good qualities, as I view them:
- Loud: I have always been the loudest person in the room. I don't have to tax my voice to belt out a good scream, and it doesn't take much for me to gain people's attention. I use my loud voice to my advantage, and I would not "tone it down" for those who would call that a flaw.
- Outspoken: When I see an injustice, or a prejudice, I address it. "Word after word after word is power": a quote from Youthwrite that I will always treasure. We can't expect the world to change when we are silent. I don't, and I'm not. When others can't/don't/won't speak for themselves, I can/do/will.
- Obstinate: I will defend my beliefs and views until I am blue in the face. I do not falter when I declare my belief, and I do not back off just because I've been indelicate.
- Opinionated: Everyone has an opinion about everything, I am just vocal about my opinions. That does not mean that I demand compliance, that I expect everyone to agree with my opinion, and dismiss their own. I welcome debate, and I enjoy it.
- Perfectionist: I like things the way that I like them, and that is everyone's right. I alphabetize, I use proper spelling and grammar, I go back and fix my mistakes. If something is out of place, I correct the error. It's who I am, and it doesn't bother me. As this doesn't do damage to others, I do not see it as a flaw.
- Impulsive: I do not believe in living with regrets. If I want something, and I have the means to get it, then I get it. This is why I have 1137 movies, and 291 TV series. Can I take them with me when I die? No. But I can pass them on, which is what I intend to do.
- Excitable: When I'm happy, I am a blazing ball of sunshine. When something makes me happy, I'm not afraid to express it. Every emotion that I feel, I express without fear of what others might think.
- ADHD: It takes a lot to hold my attention. My longest stretch of consistent fanfics for one fandom was two months. I move on to a new subject very quickly. People have difficulty following my "train of thought", and often assume that I don't really have one - because they don't understand it. If I verbalized every single thought that entered my brain, as soon as I thought it, I would never stop talking. I have many internal conversations, because I know that people get annoyed with chatter. For those who would say I talk too much, I invite you to chance a look into my mind, and see if you come out sane. My ADHD is not a disorder, it is a tool that makes me a fun, lively, energetic person. Kids love playing games with me, because I don't need to fixate on one aspect: I can go from playing trucks, to launching into outer space, to making star shapes, to running around the room like a maniac ... and never tire.
- Strong: I have never been a weak person. Even when I was a tiny, little twig of a girl, I was a strong person. I was never bullied physically, because any time that someone tried, they dealt with my fists. People didn't like it when their intended victim stood up for themselves. Emotionally, though? Many of my supposed friends have emotionally bullied me. They have done their damndest to make me out to be inferior to them, they have gone behind my back and told stories about me, and they have lied to my face when actually confronted with their psychological warfare. It never broke me though, because I am a strong, resilient - which I will explain further - person, who doesn't let what other people think of me matter. Could you believe that I was often talked down to because I didn't know what it felt like to be a victim? I was treated with condescension and derision, because I was strong-willed and defiant enough to not submit to those who would try to bully me ... how much sense does that make?
- Resilient: I was once friends with a person who loved that I loved him, but wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me. Whenever I became interested in someone else, he would treat me like a leper - as though I had done some unspeakable thing to him. When he decided that he was better than me, he would push me away, and call me a stalker for taking an interest in him. When I ignored him, the entire school wondered if something was wrong with me, because we were so close: they accepted his mistreatment of me, but were shocked when I took a stand and separated myself from him. Nice double-standard, huh? So, how has this made me resilient? I no longer allow people in my life who would only use me. I have no interest in maintaining two-faced friendships. I simply have no desire to live a life of high school drama. Relating this to what others have said about me, how does this make me childish? Please, explain? Those who would claim that I am immature, step up and defend that claim, because I will defend my maturity, and my resiliency, and my strength of character until I am blue in the face. I will not bow down to those who would try to talk down to me.
- Passionate: A friend once confessed in a game of Truth or Dare - four or five years ago - that out of our friends, he would want to have a sexual relationship with me, because I was so passionate, so therefore I must be good in bed. ... I don't make a habit of sleeping with my friends. I don't sleep around, I don't go out partying or binge drinking, I don't drink at all, or take drugs stronger than Advil - were these positive choices ever acknowledged? No. Of course not. That doesn't change the fact that I choose not to do these things. I can and do have natural highs. Ringette, one of my greatest passions, made me happier than just about any kind of physical activity. I am a Child Care Provider, I spend my days looking after children, some of which are mentally handicapped in some way. I enjoy the work that I do, because I am passionate about it. I am passionate about writing, about movies, about books, and about bringing happiness and love to children. Explain, please, how I am childish?
I see myself as an intelligent individual. Not only because I know how to use proper spelling and grammar, not only because I have an amazing visual memory, but because I am constantly taking steps to further my education. This is not exclusive to college; I do so much research online and through books, either because it's something I need for a novel that I am writing, or because I am simply curious and want to know more. I am intelligent because I make myself informed. Does this mean I know everything? No. That is impossible - and from someone who immerses herself in a world of fantasy on a daily basis with her writings, impossible is not a word I often use. I don't know everything and I've never claimed to know everything, but I learn something new every single day, and I enjoy learning. I plan on being in school for many years, probably many decades.
Others see me as childish and immature, because I stand up for what I believe in, and demand respect, along with a modicum of respect for the English language.
See me as you will, my opinion of myself will never change based on outside criticism.
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