What is the one thing that you’ve always wanted to say to someone, but never could find the right words?
I am many things. I am blunt, opinionated, loud, insistent, driven, harsh, passionate, rude, mouthy, and defiant. There are an infinite amount of adjectives to describe the kind of person that I am. But there is one thing that I am not: a liar. I am not delusional, or a deranged attention-whore. I do not make up stories to make people like me, feel sorry for me, or be jealous of me. I don’t need to, because I don’t give a damn what people think of me. I don’t define myself by how others view me, and I never will.
I don’t need absolution to tell me when something is real. I don’t need to parade around my boyfriend so that other people will be convinced of his existence. And I sure as hell don’t need to subject myself to the psychological torture that some people call friendship, just so that I have people to go to the movies with. Guess what? Unlike some people, I don’t mind going to the movies alone. And unlike some people, I can have a private relationship without having to provide evidence to "concerned" individuals.
I’m sorry that I’m not a self-absorbed slut, or a flamboyant, wannabe-punk who tries desperately to hide his homosexuality by falling in love with a girl who will never love him back. I’m sorry that I don’t cast stones upon my supposed friends the second that they are the most vulnerable. I’m sorry that I don’t deal with my grief and hatred in a timely fashion. I’m so sorry that it took me over two years to detach myself from the venomous trollop that was supposed to be my best friend. But you know what? I’m better for it. Unlike some people, it bothers me to pretend that everything is okay, when it really isn’t.
If I ever had a piece of wisdom to impart on anyone, it would be this: be very careful who you tell personal information to. Even when you think that you can trust someone more than your own family, there is no guarantee that they won’t stab you in the back.
Would you like to know some other words to describe me: jaded, distrustful, wary, cold, spiteful, vindictive. Guess what? There are people who made me this way. I am not always a bright ray of sunshine, who can laugh everything off. There are some things that don’t roll off of my shoulders like water. I am human, and if you cut me, I do bleed. When you hurt me, I cry. When you piss me off, I scream. And when you sit there like the smug little bastards that you are, be happy that I have a modicum of respect for your parents, that I wouldn’t hurt you like you’ve hurt me.
I am not a nice person. I generally don’t have a problem with this, because I am very good at putting on a smile, and pretending that everything is okay. But sometimes, I just don’t have the energy to care about other people’s feelings.
How many of us have experienced this? How many of us have been betrayed by those closest to us? How many of us have loved with our whole hearts, only to have them stomped on callously and with more malice than anyone could have thought possible? How many of us have dug our nails so far into our palms that we’ve drawn blood, just to thump down the urge to inflict the appropriate amount of physical pain to ease our emotional pain?
There are days when I can actually look back on my past and smile, and think about the good times that we had together … but those days are few and far between.
I am not a liar, I am not delusional, and I am not an attention-whore. What I am, is a fighter. If I hadn’t actually matured over the last four years, I might be inclined to use this all-consuming rage and rip you apart piece by piece until your screams of mercy have appeased me. No, I’ve matured since then. I am also a writer, and what would be inappropriate - and illegal - to say with my fists, I am more than happy to say with my words.
I will never forgive you, and if I never see you again, it will be too soon.
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