Driving 101

Let me preface this blog by informing you that I do not have a driver’s license. I do not have a learner’s permit, nor a desire to acquire one.
Why, you might ask?
Well, the first and foremost explanation is that there is not even a shadow of a doubt in my ever-whirring mind that I would have road-rage. People annoy me, this is no secret. So, imagine putting me behind the wheel of a speeding, metal hunk of devastating weaponry, with such annoying people in my sights … it would not end well for them. It would be quite costly for me.
That being said, while I do not possess the legal or physical ability to drive an automobile, I am not shy about putting my two cents in to those who “can” drive.
I will demonstrate the stupidity of some of the drivers that I have seen endangering the streets with their dangerous actions.
1) While driving along the highway to Red Deer, we passed a person who was texting on their slide-phone. You know, the ones with those handy keyboards that come out so you can type on it like a real keyboard? Makes texting SO MUCH FASTER! Also makes idiots think that they can text with both hands wherever they want to, even behind the wheel. I can only assume that she was using her knees to steady the steering wheel, and had the speed set to cruise control. Smart? No. Would I want to run her moronic ass off the road if I possessed my own vehicle? Yes.
2) On the same day, while traveling the streets of Red Deer on our way to drop me off at the college, my mother let out a loud statement of shock and amused annoyance: “Oh my god, that woman is curling her eyelashes and driving!” … Yes, she was. After we changed lanes, I got a nice, close-up view of this ‘genius’. She was in fact curling her eyelashes with one hand, while the other pretended to steer. The car pulled ahead of us, and the next time we pulled up beside her, she had her glasses back on, and her passenger was curling her eyelashes. … Did you catch that? She put her GLASSES BACK ON. Let’s examine that statement in its entirety, shall we? This woman, who presumably requires glasses so that she can see - to drive! - took off her glasses while she was driving. Then, after effectively blinding herself, she took out a metal, cosmetic weapon and put it against her eye.
Let’s examine the steps for using an eyelash curler, shall we?
1: Apply eye shadow and eyeliner, allowing it to dry before curling your lashes. Mascara is always applied after curling the lashes to avoid lash breakage and smearing.
2:Ensure that your lashes are clean and dry.
3: Open the curler and place your upper lashes inside its mouth. Close your eye slightly, then open it; all of the lashes should move into the curler's mouth. Always hold the eyelash curler so that the mouth is parallel to your lashes.
4: Move the curler closer to the eye until the tool comes to the base of the lashes, but not over the skin of the eyelid.
5: Keep the eye open and slowly close the curler. Your eyelashes should fan out evenly across the upper bar. If at any time you feel pinching, readjust the curler.
6: Hold the closed curler for a slow count of five, keeping your hand and face steady. Repeat for additional volume.
7: Repeat with the other eye.
While I’m sure this would make a vain person’s eyelashes look just fantastic, is this an appropriate activity to do while driving? … NO!!!!
If talking on a hand-held device is illegal to do while driving, how in the hell is curling your eyelashes acceptable? It’s not. You want to kill yourself, do it in a manner that will not take innocent casualties with you.
Driving is not some nuisance that keeps you from getting all your “important” things done, it is something that requires your full and uninterrupted attention.
With idiot drivers like this on the road, why the hell would I ever want to get a license?