This is not something that has ever been easy for me to do. Sure, I’m a pushover when it comes to apologies - I could hate someone to the point where I’m meticulously planning their murder, but if they so much as murmur out a quiet sorry, I’m goo in their hands. This doesn’t mean that I forget. Forgive, yes … temporarily. At least until the next time they do something to piss me off, and then I just add their latest indiscretion to the tally.
I have an amazing memory. I can recall conversations that took place in high school like they just happened a minute ago. I can quote lines from movies I’ve seen once a decade ago, and recite entire pages from my favorite books. There are very few things that I forget. Hate is not one of them.
I have always been an angry child. Angry at classmates, angry at teachers, angry at opponents, friends, family members, etc. It doesn’t take much to get on my bad side.
But, I’m trying to change all that. This is where people usually say “life is too short to fill it with hate” … I’m a big believer that life is not short. There is nothing you can do that is longer than life. Life is long … sometimes agonizingly so. I don’t want to spend every minute of every day hating people for stupid things.
So, I’m letting go. No more grudges. No more petty arguments or catty comments. No more rejoicing over ex-friends gaining weight while I’m losing it. No more nitpicking, no more looking for the tiniest little flaw to sink my claws into. I’m done.
I had this epiphany while looking at an ex-friend’s pictures online. I was cruising through news feeds, and one thing led to another. I happened upon a rather “questionable” picture, and seconds after reading the caption, snickered out a scathing remark. Ten o’clock at night, in my room alone, I was mocking this picture as though the subject within it could hear me. I don’t want to spend my life like that … would you?
So, I’m done. I’m letting go of my hate. And now, to cleanse:
Heather: I've edited this from the original draft, as I realized I hadn't really let go then. I've spent a lot of time going over our friendship, and where things went wrong. I've said for a long time that it was because you didn't believe in me, but that's just an excuse. The problem is, we're just too much alike. Both stubborn, both passionate, both relentless in our beliefs. You decided what you wanted to believe about me, and I was too stubborn to do anything other than hate you for it. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who said what. I can look back on what we used to have, and still smile at the memories ... I guess that's all that matters.
James: I’m done hating you. Really, I haven’t actively hated you for about three years, but I figured I should give you an “honorable mention”. I’ve outgrown my juvenile attachment to you, and am better for it. I’ve overcome the feelings that I once had for you, but I’m not sorry about them. You showed me exactly the kind of guy I don’t want in my life. I’m done hating you for leading me on, I’m done hating you for toying with my emotions. I hope that one day, you can do more with you life than play being straight, and work Connections at Walmart.
Walmart (AKA, Store Manager Lee): I’m done hating you for forcing me to quit because I was sick. I’m done hating you for wasting twenty months of my life on you. I’m done resenting you for letting the “regular” sized clothing overrun the Women’s Plus (k, maybe a little resentment left over - they’re tiny, they don’t need THAT MUCH space!). Ahem, I digress. In short, I’m putting your part in my life behind me. I’ve finally found a job that I LOVE, and I know now that you never really stood a chance with me … no one can be expected to give their all to a job that they despise. Fortunately, I don’t have to fake a smile in my workplace anymore.
Dad: … I want to say I’m done hating you. Most of me is, but part of me will always hate you for forgetting my name, for forgetting how old I am, and for treating my family like shit. Part of me will always hate you, for all the years that I spent loving you, not knowing the real you. I’m going to work hard at not hating you. I don’t want to be miserable … I don’t want to spend my life despising you for being you. You’re never going to change, so I have to. I’m done.
Josh: You proved the saying, “there’s a fine line between love and hate”. You are my brother, and I will always love you … and I’m trying not to hate you for what you’ve done to my mother. You will never be “whole” … your biological mother ruined that chance for you. I hope that one day, you’ll be able to look back on everything that you’ve done, and feel some modicum of remorse for it. I hope that you’ll let go of all your hate and anger for what your biological mother did to you, and realize that there are better ways of channeling your anger. Most of all, I hope that you stay far, far away from us … it’s easier not to hate you if I don’t have to see you.
The list could go on and on … I’m done hating Tauni for picking on me in elementary school; I’m done hating Mark for … well, everything that little shit did; I’m done hating Jackie our first landlord for screwing us out of our house in Innisfail; I’m done hating Byron for screwing my Mum over, I’m done hating Gaetes for not accepting his responsibilities as a landlord. Etc, etc, etc.
So much hate. Too much. No one should live like that. I’m done. I’m done bottling it all up, waiting for it to explode. I feel better.
You should try it, too.
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