The Theatre Experience

Part 1: I Will Speak My Mind.
Part 2: Why Toddlers and Theatres Don’t Mesh:

In the midst of letting go of my hate, and by extension, some of my anger, I thought I would make a few things clear.

“Letting go of my hate” does not mean I’ve suddenly turned into a soft-spoken, curled-up, terrified, little worm. When I have something to say, I’m gonna damn well say it.

1: When I call ahead to inform you of the time I will be arriving, I expect you to be prepared. When I am informed that you will be “ready to go” when I arrive, I expect that to be the case. When I arrive to see you barefoot and playing video games, do not expect me to be right as rain. When I remind you of the time, and the aforementioned arrangements, I expect not to get told to “chill”. When I adjust my mode of transportation so that I don’t miss my pre-arranged meeting, I expect you not to act like a spoiled, immature brat. When you tell me to get out of your house, don’t expect me back anytime soon.

2: When I - along with a dozen other people - are walking up the stairs behind you, stopping in the middle of the steps to choose your seat, turn around, and push your way past is not acceptable. Be considerate, or you might find yourself tripping down a few of those stairs.

3: When a movie is advertised to begin at 7:40, twenty minutes of previews is a bit much. If the movie’s going to start at 8:00, advertise the correct time. I will complain, and I will not do it quietly.

4: When you are in a crowded theatre (children’s movie or otherwise), be respectful of the people around you. You are not the only ones there. When you bring your toddler into a movie theatre - insert separate rant here:

- 4.1: A theatre is dark, loud, packed with strangers. The screen fills up the entire front area, alternating between impossibly dark, and blindingly bright. People you don’t know are cramped in beside you, laughing at different intervals, lengths, and pitches. How exactly is this a comforting environment for a child? Women who bring their infants to adult movies ‘cause they couldn’t or wouldn’t find a sitter - you annoy me. Parents who bring their children to a theatre, and then let them roam free through the aisles, running and thumping and crashing and shouting and giggling and racing and crashing - you annoy me. Parents who expect children to sit quietly through a movie, and then do nothing when they chat and whine and cry - you annoy me.

FYI, obnoxious Spanish lady who sat behind me chatting with your husband, your son, and some friends/family who were at least two rows behind you, “Beauty and the Beast” is a children’s movie from MY generation. There were more adults than children at that movie, because they could actually appreciate it. It’s a classic. You wanna take your kid to a movie? Take him to a matinee, where the theatre is less crowded, the lights aren’t as dim, and he isn't babbling to keep himself awake. Or better yet, buy the damn movie and watch it at home, so you don’t ruin it for the rest of us. I WILL tell you to shut up when I can hear your rude babbling over “Tale As Old As Time”.

4 continued: Ahem, getting back on track: When you bring your toddler into a movie theatre, be prepared to quiet him when he talks loudly AND repetitively. Do not just say “yeah”, and continue to watch the movie. Clearly, you were there for you, not for him. When people around you are going “sshhh!” that’s your cue to stop talking, not talk louder. When you bring your child into a crowded theatre, and he doesn’t stop talking, be prepared to take him out. We did not pay $50.00 to listen to you converse back and forth in another language.

When I go to a movie, I go to watch the movie. If someone is talking, I tell them to be quiet. If they bicker and bitch at me, I’ll give it right back. Guess what? Not only am I louder, I’m also not afraid to go get an usher to boot your ass out of the theatre. Nor am I afraid to stick my hand in your face to cut you off, or tell you how shitty a parent you’re being by submitting your child to such an ordeal.

Do I hate these people for nearly ruining a wonderful, magical, expensive evening for me? No. Hate is too strong - it takes up too much space. Would I mind if they’d been pushed … ahem, fallen down the stairs? Not particularly. Would they be more attractive with my popcorn dumped in their hair? Probably. Am I going to let them ruin “Beauty and the Beast” for me? No. Why? Because they’re not worth it. A punch in the face, sure … but not worth ruining the best, the first, the one that started it all.

Beauty and the Beast, you were spectacular. And yes, I kept my 3D glasses, ‘cause let’s face it … they look pretty awesome.